The Aloha Perspective – 3/9/22
I went to bed last night thinking about today, not because of today specifically, but because six years ago on the 9th of March I left for the biggest adventure of my life and since then the only real one, as far as exploring goes. I was off to England to prove to myself that I was brave, and I was proving this by traveling their alone, my first trip anywhere, alone. I do have some friends that live there, but aside from the days I saw them, I was by myself. Every year I relive this through memories, through blogs, or posts, but what have I done since then to return to that big adventure? What have I done to recapture that feeling I got just by standing in the middle of it all? Nothing, because up until this moment I didn’t think I was worthy, and on top of that, I think I was afraid. Correction, I have been afraid.
I have changed so much since then, as it really sparked the healing journey I have been on, but now that I sit in the early pages of this new chapter of my life, I know I have to stop looking back and start looking forward, no more What-if I had done this, that or the other, but instead, changing the narrative to What-if I do this, that or the other. This new chapter is about me taking the reins of the Shellymarie-Wagon. I have healed the pain of my past and made peace with the fact that who I used to be, is not who I am now.
I spent those years fighting my own healing, but in the end this me won and she doesn’t want to look back. No more blaming a past that can’t be changed, no more living in the pain I used to feel like I was drowning in, because I pushed through that to heal myself. I went so deep inward that sometimes I felt like I would never find my way out, but I did, and now it is up to me to live this life I have imagined, or something like it…and perhaps that is what scares me.
Like a child taking their first steps, I am finding that balance, but unlike a child taking their first steps, I am equipped with the knowledge of what it feels like to fall and how hard it can hurt the ego, but that too I am trying not to worry about, because where has worrying ever gotten me? Nowhere, absolutely, positively nowhere but stuck. Stuck in the same place I had been trying for years to get away from.
It’s not just about having the courage to move forward into the unknown which, when you try to (unsuccessfully) control everything in your life, can be so scary, because you don’t know what will happen next, or where you will end up, but also believing your are worth it. That to me has been the most powerful set of words, I am worth it. I am worthy. For so long through my healing I didn’t realize that was the one thing I was ignoring. I focused so much more on self-care and self-love that I forgot about self-worth and feeling worthy of the joys, love and happiness of life that is ours by divine right.
So, as I look back at my trip from six years ago, I won’t look at it with a heavy heart anymore, but instead with a look of promise. A look of knowing I made it happen before and I can make it happen again. I am capable of so many things, but my lack of self-worth grounded me like a bird with a broken wing, however, with a little care and a lot of love and self-belief I know it is possible for me to soar again, to remind myself how amazing it felt to feel so free to wander and just go. Yes, most of those walks had a destination, but it was the journey that was also impressive. I had no choice to pay attention and to see where I was going and to soak in everything around me, and as I think back, I feel a genuine smile appearing when I think about what I had accomplished.
Find the spark that sets your soul on fire and follow it. If you fall, get back up where you landed and keep pushing forward. If you have a bad day and feel at your lowest and least worthy, remind yourself to hang in there until the next sunrise and to keep moving forward, but don’t forget to say to yourself that you are worth it. Don’t believe the lies in your head, because fear is a liar and it will consistently try to hold you down. As my dad always tells me, “this too shall pass”, and it will if you allow it to.